The Danger of Being a People Pleaser | How to Break Free

3 Tips to Stop Feeling Like a Doormat and Start 3 Powerful Tips & 10 Daily Affirmations for Healing People-Pleasing & Setting Healthy Boundaries

A friend of mine, Dr. Harold Bloomfield, wrote a wonderful book called Making Peace With Your Parents. In this book, he describes a type of person that he calls a “people pleaser.”

According to Dr. Bloomfield, a people pleaser is someone who will go out of their way to make sure that everyone else is happy, often to the detriment of their own happiness and fulfillment.

7 Signs You Might be a People Pleaser

1. Constantly Saying “Yes”: People pleasers often find it difficult to say “no” to requests or favors, even when it inconveniences them or goes against their own interests
2. Avoiding Conflict: They go to great lengths to avoid confrontation or disagreements, often sacrificing their own needs and desires to maintain harmony in relationships
3. Seeking External Validation: People pleasers rely heavily on external validation and approval from others to feel a sense of self-worth and validation
4. Over-Apologizing: They tend to apologize excessively, even for minor things that don’t require an apology, in an effort to avoid upsetting others
5. Self-Neglect: People pleasers often take responsibility for the feelings and needs and wants above their own, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own well-being
6. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: They struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries, often allowing others to take advantage of them
7. Fear of Rejection: People pleasers have a deep-seated fear of rejection or disapproval, which drives them to go to great lengths to gain acceptance and avoid criticism

If you think you might have some people pleasing tendencies, know this: You most likely learned to be a people pleaser from the time you were very young.

But, there’s good news…

If you learned to be a people pleaser, you can still UNLEARN the habit of people pleasing!

The Danger of Being a People Pleaser

1. Loss of Authenticity

One of the most significant dangers of being a people pleaser is the gradual erosion of your authenticity. When your primary goal is to please others, you often suppress your true thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Over time, you become disconnected from your own identity. You end up living a life shaped by external expectations rather than what you would love.

2. Emotional Exhaustion

Using all of your time and energy to constantly seek approval and strive to meet others’ expectations can be emotionally exhausting. The pressure and worry from this way of life can harm your mental health, causing exhaustion, social anxiety, and even depression.

3. Low Self-Esteem

The perpetual cycle of people pleasing often results in low self-esteem. When your self-worth is contingent on external validation, any criticism or disapproval can shatter your confidence. This constant need for affirmation can make you feel inadequate and unworthy of love and respect.

4. Boundary Issues

People pleasers often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They may find themselves saying “yes” to every request, even if it means sacrificing their own needs and priorities. This can lead to overwhelming commitments and a lack of time for self-care.

5. Missed Opportunities

While striving to make others happy, people pleasers often miss out on opportunities that could benefit them personally and professionally. Their fear of rejection or disapproval can prevent them from taking risks and pursuing their own goals.

6. Difficulty in Decision-Making

Making decisions can become a daunting task for people pleasers. The fear of making choices that might disappoint others can lead to chronic indecisiveness. This, in turn, can hinder personal growth and progress.

How to Stop People Pleasing

Step 1. Pause before you say anything.

If someone asks you to do something, you might feel compelled to say yes or agree without even thinking.

That’s because saying yes gives you a momentary feeling of relief and happiness. Not only are you happy that the other person is happy, but you’re also happy to have avoided any conflict that might come from saying no.

But, the happiness you feel from those moments never lasts. You’ve avoided short-term discomfort by sacrificing long-term happiness.

So, the next time someone asks you to do something for them, pause. Take a breath.

If you’re unsure about a request, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for time to think it over. This gives you the opportunity to evaluate whether it’s something you want to commit to without feeling rushed or pressured.

And then, think carefully about what it means to agree to doing what this person wants.

1. Does it conflict with something else that’s important or necessary for you?
2. Does the idea of saying yes to the request and following through deplete you or give you life?
3. Does it conflict with your core values?
   

Learning to pause may be a new skill for you! Know that it might take some practice to learn how to help others while also taking care of yourself.

Step 2. Know that saying “No” isn’t just okay, it’s essential.

Learning to say “no” can be challenging. However, it’s an essential skill for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being. Here are some strategies to help you make it easier to say “no”:

1. Practice Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your feelings and emotions when someone asks you for a favor or makes a request. Recognize when you’re feeling pressured or uncomfortable, and use this awareness as a signal to consider your response carefully.
2. Be Clear and Direct: When you decide to say “no,” do so clearly and directly, without over-explaining or apologizing excessively. A simple, polite response like, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now” or “I won’t be able to help with that” can be effective.
3. Use “I” Statements: Frame your response in terms of your own needs and limitations rather than making it about the other person. For example, say, “I need to focus on my own work right now” instead of “You’re asking too much of me.”
4. Offer Alternatives: If you genuinely want to help but can’t fulfill the specific request, offer alternatives or compromises that work better for you. This shows your willingness to support the person while respecting your own boundaries.
5. Visualize the Positive Outcomes: Think about the positive effects of saying “no.” It allows you to focus on your priorities, reduces stress and overwhelm, and strengthens your ability to maintain healthy boundaries.

Remember that saying “no” is not selfish; it’s a necessary part of maintaining healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself. With practice, it will become easier and easier!

Step 3. Let go of the guilt.

To help you more easily let go of any guilt you may feel when you say no to someone’s request, replace it with this thought:

I wouldn’t want anyone else to say yes to me when they didn’t really want to say yes. I can say yes when I mean yes. I can say no when I mean no. I can love and care about others, AND I can love and care about myself.

Chances are, you probably wouldn’t want someone to say yes to you just because they wanted to please you.

You would want someone to say yes to you because they truly wanted to!

And guess what? Deep down, the people who care about you most likely want the same for you.

They want you to be happy and to have a life you love living.

Affirmations for People Pleasing

Overcoming people pleasing is a daily practice. Affirmations can be powerful tools for recovering people pleasers to boost self-esteem, overcome negative self talk, and support their journey to healing.

Here are ten affirmations tailored for recovering people pleasers:

1. I am worthy of love and respect just as I am, without the need to constantly please others.
2. I choose to honor my own needs and desires as much as I honor the needs of others.
3. I trust myself to make decisions that are best for my well-being, even if they may not please everyone.
4. I embrace the power of saying “no” when it aligns with my boundaries and priorities.
5. I release the need for external validation; my self-worth comes from within.
6. I am becoming more and more assertive and confident in expressing my thoughts and feelings every day.
7. I set and maintain healthy boundaries that protect my time, energy, and emotional well-being.
8. I forgive myself for past moments when I neglected my own needs in an effort to please others.
9. I surround myself with people who support, love, and respect my authentic self.
10. I am on a journey of healing and self-discovery, and I am growing stronger every day.

Repeat these affirmations regularly, especially in moments of self-doubt or when you find yourself slipping into old people-pleasing behaviors.

Over time, they can help reinforce a positive self-image and encourage assertive, self-caring behavior.

So here’s a question for you:

Do you feel ready to let go of those ties that are keeping you stuck to your people pleasing tendencies? The truth is there is a power in you that is greater than any circumstance, situation, or condition that you face, even your guilt or fear of saying no!

So, if you’re ready to cut ties with the fear that’s been holding you back all these years and start setting healthy boundaries in your life, download this free ebook: The Beginner’s Guide to Setting Boundaries

Learn the easiest way to get your needs met, nurture yourself, and even discover your dreams… And watch the positive ripple effect you create in your ENTIRE life!

Click here!